How Can We As Christian Singles Make Dating A More Positive Experience?
How can we as Christian Singles make dating a more positive and humane experience?
Matters of the heart are never simple. In my Christian walk, I value gentleness and the last thing I would want to do is break someone's heart. I have had my heart broken, but have learned much from the experience. I have learned that God is always with me and I feel I am stronger from the experience. Also Our Savior was single, so I'm in good company. But how can, we, as Christian men and women, transform the single's scene to one of deep caring and dignity. It is very rough out there.
Matters of the heart are never simple. In my Christian walk, I value gentleness and the last thing I would want to do is break someone's heart. I have had my heart broken, but have learned much from the experience. I have learned that God is always with me and I feel I am stronger from the experience. Also Our Savior was single, so I'm in good company. But how can, we, as Christian men and women, transform the single's scene to one of deep caring and dignity. It is very rough out there.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kim on -
Wendy, I wish I knew. One thing that would help, I think, is if married people and other single adults stopped treating us like children. I think a lot of people are made to feel uncomfortable appoaching someone of the opposite sex and I'm trying to put my finger on what happens...it takes on this whole 5th-grade vibe, as in, "oooooh he likes you" like we're doing something wrong by wanting to meet someone. Does that make any sense? It's hard to really explain. But if everyone would act more grown up about it, maybe that would make things better...?
Sometimes I go up to guys (and girls) just to make conversation, meet someone, make a new friend. I've gotten the distinct feeling from some guys that they think I'm trying to hit on them and that they're afraid of that. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this. But it's like we're frightened children, not knowing how to behave normally, trapped in 30-, 40-, and 50-something year old bodies.
I don't know if that really answers the question, but perhaps if everyone would lighten up, things would seem better.
Oh--one more thing to keep in mind is just because the person is Christian DOES NOT mean they are a decent human being. Proceed with caution. Listen to the Holy Spirit. Learned that one the hard way.
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Jennifer on -
Dear Kim:
I think you are on to something big here when you speak of "the fifth grade vibe." Your commentary is very deep and I know exactly where you are coming from. You articulated the experience so well that a light bulb went off in my head. My outlook on dating is a lot different than most people. But perhaps the problem is that many prospective dates are older people who have last dated in adolescence or in their early twenties. (I disagree with that stupid Harry Met Sally nonsense and feel that men and women can be friends. Also I feel our society has lost the art of social graces or the ability to make friends.). But you are right about that "fifth grade vibe." Many of my most current dates act as if they are in 5th grade once again and yes, they are frightened children in adult bodies. Kim, your insight is incredible. I have been meeting many men much older than I am who were divorced after many years of marriage. (I have never married, but I was engaged for seven years). All men were of Christian background. They acted like teenagers, not responsible, not calling to cancel or calling to let me know they will show up two hours late, looking for me to pay for the date (not having enough money for dates), acting nervous, fidgety, poor eye contact, and one date even stated that he wished he had an aunt like me when he was growing up. All asked me for the date and all did nothing but talk about their ex wives in a disrespectful fashion except for the one who never married. He went on about all his ex girlfriends. Of course, he was too busy trying to make an aunt out of me. Then it dawned on me why they were acting like immature teenagers, the last time these men dated was probably in their twenties and all were traumatized by adultery. They had no current dating model. They were confused. I have made a commitment to myself that I will not allow any more new dates "to criticize their ex wives." I feel it is morally wrong and that it is a private matter. I feel ex wives do deserve respect because they are mothers and many are single Moms struggling to survive. When a man criticizes his ex wife, it bothers me to no end. I feel if he is disrespecting her as a woman, and it is a matter of time when I will be next. This psychological process is called transference or projection.
Kim, I like talking to people. I take the bus to work every day and try to have a welcoming spirit. We live in a very cold and hard world. I feel it is like a ministry to me, to make a person smile and to be kind. Thank you for your friendly spirit and for sharing your insight.
Yours truly,
Wendy
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Permalink Reply by Kim on
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Wendy,
I had to laugh when I read your dating horror stories. I believe it! Maybe that should be a discussion question: share your dating horror stories.
I agree with your assessment of men who criticize their ex-wives/girlfriends. It says more about them than the woman. After all, at a certain point they were willing to spend the rest of their lives with these women, and now all of a sudden, they're monsters. Even if they are, that's not something I'd be interested in hearing about on our date, when we're supposed to be trying to get to know each other, ya know?
I haven't dated a whole lot, but even I could write a book about some of this stuff. Like the guy who (when we were eating at a diner) asked me if he could order a Coke. Hey man, far be it from me to stand between anyone else and their soda, but he later insisted I'd said I'd pay for his entire meal, which I hadn't. I was dumbfounded. I could go on and on, but, I feel myself getting revved up, so I'd better stop before things get ugly.
But I will share this sad commentary: I've met better quality, more decent men, in rock clubs in the late 80s than I have in church. Maybe because I was younger and the "pickins" weren't as slim. I donno....
Thank you for your very thought-provoking comments.
~Kim
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Jennifer on
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Kim, you are so beautiful and truly deserve the best. Shame on those men who were rude to you! Shame on them. (I also get upset when I think of how rude those dates were to me!). You have a wonderful smile and a beautiful spirit. I do agree with you 110%. Men during the 1980's were more like gentleman and society felt well...more normal. I remember the music of the 1980's--all those love ballads. The contemporary music scene today is not as creative or as uplifting. The band Journey wrote some wonderful love songs. Where are those love songs praising women today?
I do not know what happened to our society. I feel like a foreigner on dates in that I have learned to expect the unexpected and yes, I'm starting to pray before I even go out on dates. I also ask God to give me a sign if a man is not for me. So, I guess those rude men taught me the fine art of running like "run for your life." When I go on a date, I look like an eggplant with sneakers but the exercise will do me good (Move over Larry from Veggie Tales, make room for Wendy!). In my heart, I feel, as women, we deserve respect on all levels from the dating world to the corporate one. I also question our society a lot in that I don't like where our culture is heading. I refuse to tolerate disrespect to any of my sisters in Christ or to women in general. I know how sexism feels like and experience it daily and I do not like it!
Tonight I will pray for all women to find love and most of all, to experience God's deep love for them. I wonder what would happen to our culture if men (and women) followed Jesus as a role model? Listen to each other. Cherish one another. Respect one another. Value one another.
Don't laugh, Kim. If I met a sweet man like Sponge Bob, I would find it a blessing! Sponge Bob has manners, has a great work ethic, is very friendly, quick to laugh and forgive, keeps a nice pineapple home which is environmentally friendly, and cares about others. He wears a necktie and honors his parents. He may not have much money but he is joyful.
Just some thoughts. God bless.
Yours truly,
Wendy
PS: I hope I made you smile!
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Permalink Reply by Kim on
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LOL!! Hey, does Sponge Bob have a brother for me?? And thank you for your nice comments.
When you mentioned Journey. Ahhh. I love some of their songs. "Some day, love will find you...." Reminded me how much I love San Francisco. A woman posted an inquiry about where one can find a nice Christian man somewhere in Suffolk, I think. Someone replied "Texas." I say San Francisco. Even if you don't meet someone special there, the place in beautiful and engaging enough to keep you happy and occuplied.
It's a real shame you have to go on dates ready to "run like a theif," but I guess a woman's gotta do what she's gotta do.
Have a blessed night, Mrs. Squarepants
~Kim :)
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Jennifer on
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Dear Kim:
Journey is a great band. I don't travel much, but music was so creative years ago. I do pray that we both meet someone.
It is very hard to meet single men from Long Island. But my family has its roots here. I did join a dating service called Love and Seek (loveandseek.com) which is Christian and so many handsome men from other parts of the United States. I am puzzled. They are gorgeous. I'm just an average woman and to see some who responded to my ad pleasantly suprised me. I'm so used going out with fat, mean and bald that I forgot there is life in other parts of the United States. The chances of meeting any of them is like one in a million, but I can't believe such men are alone. This puzzles me. (I guess I have detective like tendencies.)
God bless and yes, Journey has written some wonderful songs. Steve Perry's voice was amazing.
Yours truly,
Wendy
I have never lived outside of Long Island.
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Jennifer on
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TDear Marina:
Thank you, Marina. Have a beautiful and blessed day.
Yours truly,
Wendy
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Permalink Reply by Kim on
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Wendy,
Maybe it's time to take a trip. :) Keep the possiibility open. You are *not* just averageand you deserve better than fat, mean, and bald. You deserve someone wonderful. Some guys are just duds and they always will be a dead end. I'm sure there are wonderful men who would love to have you. Seriously consider someone from another state. Not to trash our NY guys, but, they seem to want soooo much. Maybe that's why it seems like guys never make a move. Maybe they're scared that as soon as they do, "something better" will come along. It seems that in other states there's less of a focus on getting this "perfect person" and more of a focus on just finding someone decent, committing, and making it work. If I had one complaint, that would be it. Maybe that's why they get married at 20 and we get married at 40, if that.... That's not to say there aren't some wonderful gody men here, because they are. It's just that this is the prevailing attitude here. And I have to admit, I fall into that sometimes, too.
Kim
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Jennifer on
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Dear Kim:
I understand where you are coming from. It wasn't always like this. I'm still puzzled by it all. I checked out the demographics of other states. It seems that Long Island and New York are pretty even regarding the male to female ratio. To 100 women in New York, there are 90 males. Other states such as North Carolina have a ratio of a 100 women to 75 men. Alaska and Texas have more men than women. I feel attitude is important. I am not looking for a perfect person. My ex fiance was a sickly man and a stroke survivor and I was with him for seven years. But looking back he was kind and a very talented artist.
Kim, I know this sounds odd, but I have been shying away from dating for awhile until I feel stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually. I remember dating being so much more fun years ago. Now I don't want to leave my home before a date unless I can take my rosary with me, Dr. Phil, and Arnold Schwartzeneger.
All laughing aside and I'm so happy I made you smile because your smile is a beautiful testimony of God's love. You are so wise and your insight into things is simply amazing!
I am hesitant with even dating out of state. I guess, I'm losing my courage (I was manhandled on one date in the summer, and hence, shy away. This person was someone I was fixed up with). My experiences were challenging and puzzling because it took me 47 years to meet 3 bad men who should have known better. (In the past I was never ever manhandled, so that was a shocker. Most men I dated in my past were average and friendly). Kim, I must confess. Yes, I also did something very dud like. I just didn't have the courage to call back an out of state man from a dating service. I was that nervous and anxious. I was okay text messaging him, e-mailing and then I just panicked. (This is not like me at all, but my anxiety level was off the charts and made no sense. This man sounded sweet on the phone, but I just couldn't call back. The fear was that gripping!). Yes, I'm human and perhaps there are men who have also been hurt in New York.
You are right. There are godly men. This website is headed by a nice Godly man named Chris. I will try to keep an open mind. (Thank you for inspiring me to reflect on some very important key points). Perhaps there are nice men who have also been burnt as well. I had an opportunity to date someone and declined. It is embarassing but I have dating burn out. I want to run like a rabbit.
I feel there are good men and good women and perhaps the best thing is to surrender eveything to the best dating expert in the world--GOD!
You are so wise and your depth of insight truly inspiring. Thank you. You are inspirational. The Holy Spirit shines in you.
Yours truly,
Wendy
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Permalink Reply by Reina Rodriguez on -
Boy you hit the nail on the head Kim, May the Lord Bless you and keep you as well as keep on giving you such wonderful insight.
Blessings
Reina..
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Permalink Reply by Vickie on
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As christians the dating scene or the dating period should be the best but unfortunately it isn't. I am a widow so I dedicated most of my life raising my children and thank God they are doing very well. Recently I have met some wonderful christian men, not all, but some are just either afraid, insecure or they don't even know where they are headed or what they really want. Get your act together!!!
As a mature woman I know what the scriptures states, the man is the head of the woman and the man needs to love his wife as Christ loves the church. This is big. Are you men really ready to take charge and be responsible with what God has put in your life.
Also the women, lighten up. The men need to feel wanted and needed, be a little nicer to them even if they are not your type. The worst that can happen is that you will be friends.
Sometimes christians that are single are very uptight and they need to loosen up. Life is wonderful, live it to the fullest and open your heart to meet that wonderful mate.
Life will just pass you by before you know it. I love life and love my friends both single and married and plan to meet someone just like me and even better.
Vickie
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